Hiding mental disorders around others is hard for most. I always wonder if others see my damaged face, my permanent scars, my swelled, bruised, and sagging eyes from the many years of hard life and waking up with PTSD, Depression, and Bi-Polar Depression. As the day wears on I try to control it, but it seeps in to threaten and question my existence. Even if another human is in the same room my mind, thoughts and memories still plague and hurt me making it hard to hide.
PTSD is not just affecting our returning service men; it's apparent in anyone who has experienced all types of trauma. Along with Depression and Bi-Polar Depression I also have PTSD from the many (as in hundreds) of rapes, beatings, five children that were stolen, abusive child-hood, and that building that fell on me.
In the mind of a person trying to control these mental and physical disorders; it takes a lot of energy and most of the day for all my thoughts to process the past traumas. Even during daily routines I still have to continue processing everything horrifying that has happened to me.
It all started with the abuse and beatings from my parents, the first baby my parents stole from my arms, being raped by my Uncle Roy, my older brothers, cousins, and the hundreds of beatings and rapes by strange men. Not to mention the building that fell on me. All this brings us to the present moment.
My parents beat on me and my siblings when we were really little just because we needed to take a shit and or piss. We didn't have an outhouse or indoor plumbing so finding a place to take a shit or a piss was tricky when you're scared out of your mind because you know you're going to get a beating for your body parts doing their job.
For people like me with PTSD, Depression and Bi-Polar Depression it usually takes all day to process all the trauma and I've never really joined the present world around me. People like me with the combination of these mental disorders can look straight at you, carry on a normal conversation while our minds are still processing past memories of traumatic experiences. Though we seem to be in life and having conversations, our minds still have to process all the past traumas before actually mentally catching up and joining in.
